Running a business is hard.
Being a manager is s**t.
But that’s no excuse to be t**t.
You don’t imagine for a second that when you become a manager and take on all that extra crap for f**k all extra money that it would mean becoming the world’s agony aunt, having to become a mind reader, or having to take orders from a dick ten years younger than you. But you do.
However, that’s no justification to be a t**t.
So here’s my handy guide to being a manager of parents without being a damn right f**king tool.
1. If your parent employee has made it in on time, fully dressed in the right ensemble without sick on their arm or shoulder, then they’re doing a brilliant job. If you then comment on their un-ironed shirt or notice their shoes aren’t polished to an inch of their life then sorry, you’re a t**t.
2. Before the morning meeting starts, give your parent employees a large glass of coffee with five sugars. They’ve probably been awake all night and are struggling to understand English right now. Prancing around saying you went out last night and slept in till 8.30am and still got into the office before them just makes you a t**t.
3. If no-one’s dead, your coffee was drunk warm and you haven’t had to answer a thousand dumb ass questions on the way to work, then you’ve probably had a good morning. If you spend your time telling every single employee that IF you had kids they’d be at boarding school from 3 months old and would already know how to flush the loo and wipe their own nose by 6 months, then sorry, you’re a t**t.
4. When parent employee’s kids come to visit, ignore any snot, mud/food/other brown stuff that may be around their faces and just be thankful that they aren’t staying. Pretending your own kid’s butts smell of roses and would just hold your hand while visiting makes you a t**t.
5. Sending loads of humorous, relevant or helpful stuff about how you could make their life easier as an employer is rad. Sending articles like ‘flexi-time is stupid’, ‘kids who get ill a lot should be shot’ and ‘having a baby makes you dumb’ just makes you sound like a tool. And a t**t.
6. Only once a human head the size of a watermelon has shot out of your vagina can you comment on childbirth. Saying things like “you’ll be back to work in two weeks right?” and “it’s a piece of piss” will get you punched in the face. Oh, and you’re a t**t.
7. Carrying a couple of extra pounds comes with being a parent employee and fitting back into our size-8-jeans is about as high priority as having sex right now. Claiming you fitted back into your jeans after just two weeks of having Peter and Jane is either a f**king lie or very strange. Because no real-life person would actually care enough to do this on purpose.
8. When you see your parent employee checking their phone on and off throughout the day, do not: sigh, say stupid things like “is that surgically attached to your hand” or “so are your kids still alive then” in a sarcastic way. They are still alive thank you, but while I’m sat here listening to the crap coming out of your mouth for f**k all money, I’m paying someone else to look after them just so society doesn’t call me another “stay at home bummer.” So try quietly not caring and getting on with your own life.
9. Believing that your female parent employee is now less able to do her job compared to her nonchild counterpart makes you a t**t.
10. Thinking that your parent employee is less committed post kids and won’t work as hard as their pre-kid days is complete and utter bullshit. If anything, said employee is probably more focused now than ever due to having more mouths to feed.
11. Talking about how your dog is like having kids and you understand how much work they are, makes you sound like a complete tool. Dogs can shit by themselves, sleep through the night and eat everything in sight. Try cooking a healthy meal when the only things your mini-humans will eat are beige, covered in breadcrumbs and rhymes with squish lingers.
So there you have it. Try and be a nice employer and cut your parent employees a bit of slack. They want to work and appreciate you can’t be as flexible as they want but turn up and do a bang up job anyway. So let’s all just treat everyone how you’d like to be treated and stop being t**ts.
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